Since my dad died I have been thinking a lot about karma, fate, predestination, etc. I never put much credence in any of it before, but now that I’m getting older (ugh) I can’t help noticing patterns, rhythms and happenings in life that I didn’t notice before. For instance, the seeming inability to escape fate, or change your destiny. I have been actively trying to turn my life in a new direction for 8 years, and it’s gotten me absolutely nowhere. I have blog postings going back to 2009 deriding my finances, my job, my weight…yet here it is 2014 and my weight is only 6 lbs lighter than it was (and that just happened in the last 3 months), my finances are worse than ever, the same patterns repeating themselves over and over no matter what I do to change it. I follow the rules, I get nowhere. I break the rules, I get nowhere. I’m selfless; nothing. I’m selfish; nada. Every time I try to break free, I’m pulled back in by a repeat of the circumstances that put me there the last time, and this has been going on since 1991. This past year I’ve become a bit panicky about the whole thing. I feel like there is a gigantic clock hanging in the air in front of me, the words “Life Span” tattooed across it, that every 60 seconds swings its minute arm forward another notch with a loud clang meant to remind me that yet another minute of what’s left of my life is gone, and I still haven’t done anything.
Do you ever feel like you have no control over the outcome of your actions? I spent 5 years reading self-improvement and financial books and it hasn’t changed a damn thing. And I can see and feel the same patterns swirling around me no matter what I do to try to escape. It’s like the blueprint of my life is written in stone somewhere and is unchangeable; there are some things I’m never going to have; some things I’m never going to do. Maybe everyone has that one thing they will never achieve, and mine is financial security.
In the greater scheme of things I have little to complain about. At 47 I have no health concerns at all beyond a bit of what I assume is arthritis, while others lead lives constricted by their ailments. I know people who have lost children, been diagnosed with cancer, had their homes burned down; there are children left orphaned by accident and illness; nothing this serious has ever happened to me. I have my (rental) home, my children are healthy and happy, I have a job, and the only deaths I’ve experienced are natural cause- related older relatives; sad but nothing unusual. I’ve also noticed that often when you hear of good fortune in others, they have a circumstance in their life that makes that run of good luck all the more welcome. Lottery winners who are ill or unemployed for example. And then some people just really seem to have no luck at all; ill spouse, unemployed, financial insecurity, illness of their own – all at the same time.
I see patterns in time, connections that don’t show themselves until years later. Tonight I was looking at some pictures on my Facebook page of my hometown, Midland, Ontario, in 1959 when Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip came through during their Canadian Tour. My mother is in this picture somewhere near the top; I think she is the girl top right, first row sitting. She is 14 years old.
In this next picture, there are two O.P.P. officers just behind and to the right of the Royals, charged with providing Her Majesty’s security detail. My mother is sure that the one on the left is my Grandfather, Chief Inspector William McBride (although I don’t believe he was a C.I. at that time – probably a Sergeant). He was in charge of the Queen’s O.P.P. security detail so would have been quite close, and the profile, although fuzzy, looks very much like my dad.
Talk about predestination – my 14 year old mother is less than 30 feet away from the man who will become her father-in-law 12 years in the future. How weird is that? At the time of this picture Grandfather lived in Toronto, a two hour drive south, and my dad was 23 years old and attending the University of Toronto. My parents met when Dad got a job at the same hospital Mom was nursing at and moved to Midland, in 1968.
Things like this have been turning my mind to thoughts of predestination and things “meant to be.” I feel very strongly this is the reason my husband and I are currently together…life circumstance intervened when we were teens when his parents moved away, separating us when it wasn’t meant to be so. Twenty years later he found me – 3 days after I had an incredibly intense dream about him wherein physically he looked as he appeared when we reunited, and not the way he’d looked the last time I’d seen him…how could I have known?
I am starting to regret things a little less, and become somewhat more accepting of what I have. I’ve been thinking that maybe the debt I unconsciously pay to the universe in exchange for my life of no drama or trauma, is a somewhat hum-drum life of few highs or lows. Maybe I’m not going to win the lottery, or travel the world, or ever do anything exciting. Maybe living a quiet, unexciting life, enjoying my children and husband and, occasionally, a few simple pleasures, is my lottery win.